Words I Enjoy

Just wanted to share with you all a few of the words in the English language that never cease to put a smile on my face. This is what I have so far:

1. Fork
2. Blogging (oh the irony)
3. Lump
5. Posery
6. Irk (see previous post about things that irk me)
7. Loins
8. Repercussions

The Most Influential Shows of Our Time

Clarissa and I have been gchatting and we thought a cool blog idea would be to create a list of the top most memorable and influential shows of our lifetimes. Comment and add more because I'm sure we forgot tons. enjoy!

1. Saved by the Bell - I don't really think I need to elaborate on this one. Both the College Years AND High School were probably defining times in all of our lives. Who didn't want to be Kelly? Or date Zach? Only crazies...

2. Boy Meets World - God.. I still dream of having hair like Topanga

3. Hey Dude - Ted was so dreamy

4. Secret World of Alex Mack - not only did I want her powers (if you don't remember, she was involved in a chemical plant spill and could morph into a puddle, among many things) but her overalls were AWESOME. And her crush was really hot.

5. Sex & the City - no description necessary

6. Dawson's Creek - I may have been the only one NOT rooting for Dawson and Joey to end up together ( I always loved Pacey). The last episode was so gosh darn sad.

7. Reading Rainbow/Magic Schoolbus - I don't remember much about Reading Rainbow other than the catchy song... but I definitely remember Miss Frizzle and her wacky antics. Always running into trouble..

8. Mr. Rogers - I feel like he's my grandpa. I dont know why he felt it necessary to put on his shoes every day in front of us all, but I think it made me like him more. I miss him. It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood

9. Friends - say what you will, but not a day goes by when I dont have some appropriate time to quote this show.

10. Fresh Prince of Belair - duh.

11. Home Improvement - Probably my first serious crush... JTT. Remember when he left the show to go to Costa Rica? I think that's when it went downhill

12. 7th Heaven: Who doesn't want to watch a family with SEVEN children and a preacher as a father? My life would not have been complete without seeing both Ashlee Simpson AND Lance Bass try to act.

13. The OC - This show was a must-see my freshman year of college. Awesome music, GREAT clothes. Hot actors. Lots and LOTS of drama. Everything you could want.

14. The Real World - come on, don't act like you don't like it. America's first REALITY show?? Throw 7 strangers in a house and you're bound to have some quality television. Especially when most of them have drug addictions, alcoholism or some kind of emotional baggage. Awesome.

15. The Nanny - I dont care how annoying her voice was... this show was phenomenal. I still know the whole theme song. fact. (also if you're in the mood for another quality Fran Drescher film: rent The Beautician and the Beast. Classic)

Honorable Mention: Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Salute Your Shorts, Touched by an Angel, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Goosebumps, All That, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Grey's Anatomy, Doug, David the Gnome, Maya the Bee (anybody?? ANYBODY?) Eureka's Castle

Lesson #6: Alcohol: Friend or Frenemy?

I believe it was Homer Simpson that said: "alcohol is the cause and solution of all problems". I think those were the wisest words that dude ever said. I mean, think about it: alcohol is a "social lubricant', right? It helps people like yours truly (that's me) be more comfortable/confident around people they are normally awkward around. In my case, this demographic includes all strangers and hot guys. I'm pretty sure Social Awkwardness is a problem for about 68% of the population. Don't quote me on that... but it's something around there. Think about how many times you, even if you're one of those rare, never awkward people, have encountered someone like this. So many awkward silences, weird glances, misplaced jokes... the list goes on.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that dates are the prime example of when alcohol is a cure. So, you meet someone, you hit it off. He asks for your number and eventually calls and asks you out on a date. Everyone knows that dates are essentially interviews. Do you click with this person? Do you share similar dreams/backgrounds/senses of humor? Are you still attracted to him in the sobriety of daylight/early evening? Not only do you need to look your BEST in case this guy is The One, but you also need to make sure you are witty/smart/sexy/cool/breezy and don't seem desperate for a relationship. (thank you Cosmo) I mean, it's pretty overwhelming, especially if you think you really like him! Then... good God. For situations like this, I find that making a nice pre-date cocktail is JUST the cure for my first date jitters. Alcohol = 1

I also want to take a moment to reflect on dancing. Some of us, myself included, LOVE to dance but are simply god-awful at it. I mean, I exclusively dance when I'm drunk. And honestly.. I have a blast. Last weekend for example, I danced to my heart's content til the wee hours of the morning and didn't think a thing of it. I had a ball. Guess why? Could it be because I was wasted and therefore didn't care what anyone thought of me? I believe it was. You know how they say "dance like no one's watching" in some gay quote about how to live your life? Well, when I'm drinking I may or may not take that phrase too literally. In fact, most of my dancing involves jumping up and down in circles while singing the words to the song at the top of my lungs. SO hot. I wish I was kidding but I assure you, I'm not. But still, in this case as well, I think alcohol is good, as long as you don't fall and hurt yourself or jump onto someone's foot. *awkward*. It allows you to have a ball without feeling self conscious. So there ya go, Alcohol = 2.

What happens, though, when your "friend" alcohol turns on you? I think we've all been there. A few too many Mexican martinis and you're making out with some guy named Tommy on the dance floor wondering where your friends went and what bar you're at. Or maybe that "pre-date cocktail" put you at just ONE drink too many and you end up busting your chin wide open while you're piggyback riding your date home from the bar. (hypothetically) I think it's safe to say that there is a fine line where alcohol can either make your night or totally break your night. Where exactly is that line, you ask? Good question. I am not the person to ask, though. I just like to blog about it because of the life experiences I've had up to date. If anyone has any advice please for the love of GOD tell me. Because I clearly have trouble knowing my limit. Alcohol = -1

In other examples where alcohol can be your enemy, let me point you all to one of my recent FREQUENT acquaintances: the hangover. For the love of God; when did these start happening?? In college I was definitely able to drink a pitcher of everclear margaritas on a Thursday night and pop out of bed at 8:30 for Spanish class, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Arrriba! (haha so gay but I had to) Then it was like BAM! one (ok two) glass of red wine one night and I'm hungover til 4pm. I simply don't understand how my body's reaction to alcohol has changed this much in only 4 years. Weekends are the worst. I think it's safe to say that on any given Saturday or Sunday you can find me plopped on my or someone else's couch for the entirety of the day, watching Lifetime or ABC Family series marathons like Gilmore Girls or Degrassi: the Next Generation (thank you Boots). There goes my productivity. Remember when I was gonna work out, wash my car, do laundry and get groceries? Ha. So much for all that. I'd much rather sit here until about 8, shower and do it all over again. Just enough to rule out anything I had planned for Sunday as well. (Alcohol = -2)

Lesson Learned: I think there's a lesson to be learned in all of this, but clearly I have not learned it yet. Obviously I need to figure out my limit but if someone can tell me how, I'd appreciate it. To date, I don't think I've turned down a single free shot. I may be slurring, stumbling and have a twitch in my left eye, but by God.. if someone's offering, I'm taking. I guess the past 6 years of binge drinking haven't taught me a darn thing.

Lesson #5: Why Girlfriends are Better than Guyfriends

This weekend reminded me how having true girlfriends is completely underrated.

After college, I haven't had a big group of girls to hang out with. I enrolled in grad school, where I see the same 24 people every day: 7 girls and 17 guys. Out of the girls, there is ONE that I consider to be almost equal with my girlfriends from college. The others are fine but a little boring, and we don't hang out much outside of class. So, obviously, I mostly hang out with the guys. And they are fantastic. Nice, funny, attractice, the works...but of course I'm not interested in dating them. Why not, you ask? Because I've spent almost every day of the last year and a half with them. And this is what those days entail:

1. Constantly being subjected to foul, should-have-to-wear-a-Haz-Mat-suit smells such as burps, farts, or the lingering wafting odor after they spend some quality time on their porcelain throne. In the beginning the stench was occasionally followed by an embarrassed look and a half-apology; now they legitimately ask me to rank them based on who has the worst gag-inducing bodily emissions.

2. Sports. I've never fully grasped the extent of guys' sports trivia knowledge until being surrounded by this group. Doesn't matter which sport, level, team, or season...it is all fair game for conversation at all times, and I'm often left with a very confused look on my face trying to figure out how the topic went from tortillas to Tebow in less than two seconds. For example, on Tuesday morning the only recognizable phrases I could catch were "Seminoles were probably throwing up on themselves" and "Hurricanes." If I had done a Google search I could have figured out that they were not talking about an ill-fated Pat O's excursion. Instead they were discussing Monday night's Florida State vs. Miami game, in which Miami scored a touchdown with only 1:53 left, and FSU almost had a rebuttal touchdown but it fell short of the receiver as time expired. Now you're probably asking yourself, WHO CARES?! And I agree with you. NONE of the people in my class attended either university involved; they are not even in the surrounding states. And It's not a Bowl game...so I don't see why the blank stare was necessary when I asked which game they were talking about. Come on.

3. Fantasy Football. As if regular football wasn't enough to follow. I am the only girl in our FF league, and I actually did pretty well last season (3rd of 12, thank you very much). I had a friend help me with my draft last year though, and this year I decided to do it all on my own. I took Drew Brees in the first round (10th pick) and was immediately assaulted with clever comments like "gay pick," "you're dumb," and just general laughter since I chose the #1 QB in the NFL instead of a RB like everyone else. So for the next few months I will probably spend more time on espn.com than is healthy and normal, but it will be worth it when I win, take all of their money, and watch them sob with shame after losing to a girl. It will be magical.

4. Being their default wingman. I love these boys and want to see them succeed in life, I really do. But there is nothing more entertaining than watching them try to pick up girls. Honestly, their complete lack of game is astounding. So if they are talking to a girl for more than 5 minutes, they panic because they've run out of things to say and quickly introduce her to me so I can do follow-up work and elaborate about how wonderful/hot/single they are. However, even if I come back to the guys and tell them it's a no-go because the girl has the intellectual capacity of a toothpick, they're going for it anyway.

5. Last but not least are the crude jokes and pubescent maturity levels. Now we all know that our group is NOT shy about spilling the dirty details of our sex lives, but usually we talk about it when we're alone or my favorite, by mass email. :) The guys, on the other hand, have no shame about discussing pubic hair preferences, the cougar that attacked them on a cruise, who masturbated last night, or making blow job motions at each other...while in the middle of class. Classy.

Anyway, spending a weekend with my girlfriends made me realize that while I love my guy friends and secretly don't mind the excuse to sit on the couch and watch football all day, nothing will ever beat the girls who know you better than you know yourself. If a girl farts, who cares, the smell goes away pretty quick. If we talk about sports, it's usually about deciding if we'd rather sleep with Tom Brady or Matt Leinart. Playing wingman is SO much more fun, and if you tell your girlfriend to find a new target because the one she's after has "douchebag" written in a neon flashing sign on his forehead, she will. (And your friends return the favor and play wingman for you, too! :) ) And of course, dishing on the down and dirty details about everyone's latest sexual adventure is the highlight of the day.

These are the girls you don't have to be fake or "play nice" with, that call you on your bullshit, that somehow just know what's going on in your life even if you don't tell them every detail. They are the ones who are genuine excited to see you, who laugh at every Friends reference, who share their closets and help you pick which earrings to wear, and the ones that will understand and sympathize when they get a text from you reading: "I'm drunk at Hooters and my ride home is hitting on the waitress."

Lesson Learned: Appreciate the time with your girlfriends, beacuse it's a lot less fun when you're surrounded by farting, masturbating, football-obsessed guys who make you watch college basketball and give you hell for wanting to watch Friends reruns instead.

Why God created Ex-Sex

I got laid this weekend. Normally this would make me and my friends very excited and result in hours of details and reminiscing about past conquests. Not this time. The Bitches (these are my friends. I mean this in the "Come on bitches, let's go get fucked up!" sort of way. They are not bitchy anymore than is necessary for me to like them) instead turned into a group of Judgey-McJudgersons. Why would they do this, you ask? It's because I had sex with my ex.

It happens to everyone. No matter how bad the breakup, how dysfunctional the man, how many times friends tell us it's a bad idea, EVERYONE has at some point thrown all of their rational thought out the window just so they can have the thrill of getting laid. **NOTE: If you have not slept with an ex, then either you're in a long-term serious relationship, a virgin, you're soo crazy that your ex would rather jack off than have an easy lay, or you make responsible life decisions. You shouldn't be reading this blog. Go find a bible to thump or something to cross-stitch while you take your lame quizzes about Twilight on Facebook.**

Now, there are a number of reasons why a normally self-respecting woman such as myself would turn into a masochistic quasi-slut. Here are just a few:

(1) You're horny
(2) You can't be bothered to find someone new
(3) There's some residual pent-up anger that you'd like to release on his penis
(4) You're drunk
(5) You're horny
(6) You're hoping to make someone else jealous
(7) You are an idiot
(8) You temporarily forgot that the sex wasn't good when you were together.


This weekend, I would have to say that I fell under categories 1, 2, 4 & 7, but I've definitely covered all the bases on this one. So...why do we do it? Why do we go down a road that we know is paved with regret, judgment, mild soreness and likely a hangover. It's not for the incredible sex. No guy is THAT good in bed. Trust me, I've done the research. So it's got to be something else. A higher power that creeps into a woman's brain and convinces her that having mediocre sex with an ex is a good idea. Who is that higher power? I think it's God. And I think he did it because he can. He's a man and they do that kind of shit. There can be no other explanation for why I had this text exchange last weekend and then decided that having sex with my ex-bf would be a good idea:

The Ex: "So you're gonna be in town on Friday? What time are you coming? What time are you cumming?"
Me: "Yes. 3pm. 3:30pm. Be there or be square."

THAT, my friends, has got to be Divine Intervention --it certainly wasn't my ex's clever play on words. And so my only defense is that God made me do it. The Big Guy made me fornicate 4 times on Friday night for his own amusement. I mean, if I had the option of giving everyone free will and then watching them as they made horrible, drunken life decisions that they are then mocked for continuously, I would TOTALLY take that option. It's way better than making responsible, functioning adults and watching them as they sit at home watching Seinfeld reruns.

If I was a good student, I would now provide you with some biblical evidence of God doing mean things to humans for his own amusement to support my argument. Unfortunately, I left my illustrated version of the Bible at my parent's house next to the My Little Pony collection and I'm not about to go Google "God+ irresponsible sexual habits + mean sense of humor". Just trust me, I'm Catholic. God is looking down on me right now and laughing. He's probably thinking something along the lines of, "Haha! She thought that this time she wouldn't wake up with that sense of satisfying regret and that he wouldn't be a complete asshole in the morning. Psyche!"

Now, I wish I could say that God has only played his little trick on me once. Or that I learned from my mistakes and I was able to outwit my Maker and ended up having my ex just go down on me all night before I left him with blue balls. But no, fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, it's because there's a higher power at work that's manipulating my mind. I'm powerless. I've slept with every single one of my exes at least once, usually closer to six times. And so has everybody else. They just lie about it to make themselves feel better. But the cat's out of the bag people! So I think that we need to join together, embrace our bad decisions, and stop regretting having sex with our exes. Relish in the fact that you just got laid and don't have to worry about how long it's gonna last, what the sex "means", or whether his penis has a weird curve to it. You don't have any of those questions because you already know the answers!! It's gonna be 5 minutes of foreplay followed by 10 minutes of sex that doesn't "mean" anything to him, and it's curved like Gonzo's nose. So go for it sister! You get yours! (This is all assuming that you're not still in love with your ex, or that you want to get back together with him. If that's the case, then run. Run as fast as you can to a sex store and buy yourself a vibrator with an extra set of batteries because otherwise you will lose your dignity and drive your friends crazy when you obsess over it for the next 2 months.)

Life Lesson: Having sex with an ex is a bad idea. It will lead to a combination of embarassment, shame, satisfaction, regret, and judgment from friends. But you WILL have sex with your ex because God is manipulating your mind for his own amusement. So just embrace the opportunity you've been given and get laid. And remember that God also invented Trojans that are ribbed for your pleasure :)

Things that irk Me

This post will be part of a series of posts entitled "Things that irk me". Not only because I love the word "irk" but because there are several things to talk about when it comes to the subject. Here goes:






There are many things that bother me. In fact, I'm probably one of the most easily annoyed people you will ever encounter - - seriously. However, if you really want to piss me off (and make me think you are a retard) just send me an email with a bunch of misspelled words. Or even better - update your facebook status with misspelled words. It kills me. Obviously, I'm talking about common, everyday words that we know how to spell. Not crazy disease names or like words that you'd have to look up. People, we are NOT in the second grade anymore. There's absolutely NO excuse for us to spell super common words like "definitely" wrong. definately? no. Or how about the ever popular then vs. than argument. What the F? You think you're cooler then me? haha ok then... whatever you say. Your IQ is clearly lower than mine.. but at least you're cool!! Please note that I used "your" and "you're" appropriately just then. See that apostrophe? That means "you are". Sorry. I'm not trying to sound elitist or stuck up, but if there's one thing I'm good at - it's spelling. I wish I would have been in spelling bees when I was younger because I would have won and I could have something to brag about.

There are few exceptions to this general rule of thumb I have. One of those, is if it's obvious that you are typing from an iPhone, Blackberry, or any of those other high tech phones. I get it - the buttons are tiny and a lot of times you are in a hurry to get it done, or you're in a car, etc. This exception, however, does not include people using certain "abbrevs" like u or ur, gr8, 2, kno. I mean does leaving off one letter really save you time? What about when people spell "what" as "wat" or, worse, "wut". I mean seriously... does it take you that much longer to type the additional 2 letters? Most phones even do that for you now. Also - typing a letter such as "2" on most phones actually takes LONGER to type than the two letters t-o. So why do you do it? I will never understand. UGH. The other exception is when it's obvious that you are making fun of people that use those abbrevs; like I've been known to do from time to time. Other than those, it just makes you look dumb, let's be honest.

A few months ago, I was "talking to" this old coworker of mine, who now works for another company. Our main source of communication, as a result, was via email. For the sake of anonymity, I'm just going to call him Einstein (because it's ironic, you'll see why in a few seconds). Ok Einstein was really cute, kind of funny, athletic, you get the idea... So we hung out once on my bday, and then continued emailing for a few weeks. This is part of an actual email he sent me:

Einstein: i had 2 come in at 7:30 tho. i have to work tomarrow but hopefully will get off monday.. we should definately hang out this wknd.

Guess what? We did not hang out. Are you kidding me? There are so many things wrong with this email I don't even know where to begin. First of all.. this is an email, not a text. Why are you shortening the word "to" to 2? I mean and then there's "tomorrow". One of the most frequently used words like EVER. Seriously? An A? Ohh man. And I didn't even include the other parts of the email where completely random words like "But" would be capitalized. I'm sorry. I just don't think that I can take you seriously if you write emails like this. Where did you go to school? DID you? It kills me. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, so we emailed back and forth a few times but he perpetually spelled everything wrong. Including tomorrow, i kid you not.

Lesson Learned: I hope that after reading this you don't think I am some kind of psycho, judgmental bitch. Normally I keep these thoughts to myself, and if I know you and you have proven yourself to be intelligent, I won't judge you for a slight slip up here and there. But if I barely know you, all I have to judge you by is your facebook page.. So how about making sure your status updates are spelled correctly? Spell check exists for a reason.

Lesson #4: Shake Them Hatas Off (#2)

Because my friends and I have all sorts of adventures and we are all generally cool, awesome, and hot (kidding...? but seriously). I have many examples of #2 type hatas attempting to bring us down. Good thing we just #1 type hate on them right back. Anyway, one of the best stories that comes to mind is the Halloween that we all wore cute sexy costumes and congregated at our favorite bar. We knew almost everyone there, a couple of us worked there, the owner was chatting us up, we were cheerful over our raspberry martinis and swarming the jukebox. Bliss. However, a hata disguised as Frida Khlao decided it was time to rain on our parade. The whole time she sits sipping on her Mai Tai she mutters under her breath about "stupid girls in their cute-sy costumes." She leaves her chair for a while, leaves no belongings there, and one of our adorable and fun-loving entourage perches in her place. Ms. Unibrow comes back and is totally APPALLED to find that this "little girl" has taken "her" seat at "her" bar. How dare she?! Needless to say, things escalate quickly and Frida asks the friends who have spoken up to defend the cutie if they want to "take this outside." After much yelling the situation is diffused, but not forgotten. Lesson of Hata Type #2: Yes, people who are jealous of you and threatened by you will hate. Yes, it is fun and justified to fight back. However, do not take their hatin' to heart because it is evidence that they wish they were more like you, and for the love of God don't let a large woman with a unibrow beat you senseless outside of the bar. Stay put, order shots, and make fun of her for years to come.

To wrap up, hatas hate because of a couple reasons. Some hatin' is for fun, some is used for a defense mechanism. In Pocahontas' case of Missy punching her, hatin' was even used as a spiteful aggression tactic.

Lesson Learned: When hatin', realize which style you are using. When being hated on, recognize this as well. Generally know to stay away from violence, as causing a bar fight can turn you from the victim of style #2 to the perpetrator of style #1. However, teetering on the verge of violence can be as exhilerating as it is entertaining.