Lesson #7: Always Have an Exit Strategy

One of the things my friends have enjoyed making fun of me for over the years is my ability to conjure up the most awkward post-hookup exit strategies possible. A few I have tried include:

• The 6 am Bolt. This was my personal favorite in the early college years, when I'd wake up crammed in a twin bed between the wall and the guy who is now snoring like a freight train half an inch from my ear. I had two options: suck it up and try to go back to sleep, or I could sneak out, go back to my dorm and actually get a few hours of decent Z's in my own bed. I chose Option B every time. This option had the distinct advantage of avoiding the public walk of shame; however, it also created the issue of how to act the next time I saw the snoring culprit. Does the escape-without-notice require some sort of acknowledgment or apology? Or can I treat him like I normally would? I never know.
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  The Covert Clothes Collection. During one of my more recent escapades, I apparently decided the right way to handle things post-coitus was to get fully dressed and be standing by the door, shoes in hand, by the time the poor guy got out of the bathroom. This certainly took him by surprise. I started to clue in that maybe this wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had when he was talking faster than I’ve ever heard a guy speak, trying to cram in all of the “are you sure you don’t want to stay/text me when you get home/what are your plans this weekend” niceties before I was out the door.
  
  
  
• The Post-It Note Notification. Okay, I admit I haven’t tried this one yet, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. But on a preview for Jenna Elfman’s new show, “Accidentally on Purpose,” it showed her leaving a post-it note on a sleeping guy’s forehead before sneaking out. I’d rate this one about equal to my 6 am Bolt; sure, she politely left a message of her whereabouts, but she also lost points by immediately running into the guy’s 3 roommates when she left his room. Whoops.

It’s equally difficult when the situation is reversed and the guy is crashing at my place. One time I was so irritated by the drooling male hogging the covers that I went down the hall and crawled in bed with my roommate. When she woke up, I told her “There’s a boy in my bed. Can you make him leave?” To which she replied “No, you brought him here, now you have to deal with getting rid of him.” Damn.

I can’t help thinking that life would be so much easier if each uncomfortable circumstance came with one of those airline safety cards, pointing to the overhead signs and floor lights that illuminate the way to your options of forward exit doors, overwing exit rows, or rear exit doors. It’d also be convenient to have a strategic clue or two about when to utilize the aforementioned exits. Like in the situation with the unwanted guest in my bed, wouldn’t it be cool if I could have pressed a button that lit up the exit lights, thus signaling to him that it was time for him to go home? And if the guy was someone I genuinely liked, rather than someone my beer goggles erroneously estimated to be a good kisser, then I could just leave the exit lights off, indicating that he could hang out for a while. Seriously, I could have avoided like 80% of the awkward moments in my life if this was an actual invention.

 

I obviously have yet to find the proper protocol for the morning-after encounter. Maybe I just haven’t grown up enough to advance to the maturity level of someone that can show no fear in the face of an awkward situation. But until then, feel free to share any limited-risk exit strategies you know; I might need to shake things up.

 Lesson Learned: Nothing yet. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Lesson #5: Why Girlfriends are Better than Guyfriends

This weekend reminded me how having true girlfriends is completely underrated.

After college, I haven't had a big group of girls to hang out with. I enrolled in grad school, where I see the same 24 people every day: 7 girls and 17 guys. Out of the girls, there is ONE that I consider to be almost equal with my girlfriends from college. The others are fine but a little boring, and we don't hang out much outside of class. So, obviously, I mostly hang out with the guys. And they are fantastic. Nice, funny, attractice, the works...but of course I'm not interested in dating them. Why not, you ask? Because I've spent almost every day of the last year and a half with them. And this is what those days entail:

1. Constantly being subjected to foul, should-have-to-wear-a-Haz-Mat-suit smells such as burps, farts, or the lingering wafting odor after they spend some quality time on their porcelain throne. In the beginning the stench was occasionally followed by an embarrassed look and a half-apology; now they legitimately ask me to rank them based on who has the worst gag-inducing bodily emissions.

2. Sports. I've never fully grasped the extent of guys' sports trivia knowledge until being surrounded by this group. Doesn't matter which sport, level, team, or season...it is all fair game for conversation at all times, and I'm often left with a very confused look on my face trying to figure out how the topic went from tortillas to Tebow in less than two seconds. For example, on Tuesday morning the only recognizable phrases I could catch were "Seminoles were probably throwing up on themselves" and "Hurricanes." If I had done a Google search I could have figured out that they were not talking about an ill-fated Pat O's excursion. Instead they were discussing Monday night's Florida State vs. Miami game, in which Miami scored a touchdown with only 1:53 left, and FSU almost had a rebuttal touchdown but it fell short of the receiver as time expired. Now you're probably asking yourself, WHO CARES?! And I agree with you. NONE of the people in my class attended either university involved; they are not even in the surrounding states. And It's not a Bowl game...so I don't see why the blank stare was necessary when I asked which game they were talking about. Come on.

3. Fantasy Football. As if regular football wasn't enough to follow. I am the only girl in our FF league, and I actually did pretty well last season (3rd of 12, thank you very much). I had a friend help me with my draft last year though, and this year I decided to do it all on my own. I took Drew Brees in the first round (10th pick) and was immediately assaulted with clever comments like "gay pick," "you're dumb," and just general laughter since I chose the #1 QB in the NFL instead of a RB like everyone else. So for the next few months I will probably spend more time on espn.com than is healthy and normal, but it will be worth it when I win, take all of their money, and watch them sob with shame after losing to a girl. It will be magical.

4. Being their default wingman. I love these boys and want to see them succeed in life, I really do. But there is nothing more entertaining than watching them try to pick up girls. Honestly, their complete lack of game is astounding. So if they are talking to a girl for more than 5 minutes, they panic because they've run out of things to say and quickly introduce her to me so I can do follow-up work and elaborate about how wonderful/hot/single they are. However, even if I come back to the guys and tell them it's a no-go because the girl has the intellectual capacity of a toothpick, they're going for it anyway.

5. Last but not least are the crude jokes and pubescent maturity levels. Now we all know that our group is NOT shy about spilling the dirty details of our sex lives, but usually we talk about it when we're alone or my favorite, by mass email. :) The guys, on the other hand, have no shame about discussing pubic hair preferences, the cougar that attacked them on a cruise, who masturbated last night, or making blow job motions at each other...while in the middle of class. Classy.

Anyway, spending a weekend with my girlfriends made me realize that while I love my guy friends and secretly don't mind the excuse to sit on the couch and watch football all day, nothing will ever beat the girls who know you better than you know yourself. If a girl farts, who cares, the smell goes away pretty quick. If we talk about sports, it's usually about deciding if we'd rather sleep with Tom Brady or Matt Leinart. Playing wingman is SO much more fun, and if you tell your girlfriend to find a new target because the one she's after has "douchebag" written in a neon flashing sign on his forehead, she will. (And your friends return the favor and play wingman for you, too! :) ) And of course, dishing on the down and dirty details about everyone's latest sexual adventure is the highlight of the day.

These are the girls you don't have to be fake or "play nice" with, that call you on your bullshit, that somehow just know what's going on in your life even if you don't tell them every detail. They are the ones who are genuine excited to see you, who laugh at every Friends reference, who share their closets and help you pick which earrings to wear, and the ones that will understand and sympathize when they get a text from you reading: "I'm drunk at Hooters and my ride home is hitting on the waitress."

Lesson Learned: Appreciate the time with your girlfriends, beacuse it's a lot less fun when you're surrounded by farting, masturbating, football-obsessed guys who make you watch college basketball and give you hell for wanting to watch Friends reruns instead.

Lesson #2: Men vs. Boys

This will probably be one of many posts about men; not that I know a lot about them. I just think about them from time to time. In my 23 years I've had about ONE relationship. If you can define "relationship" as 2 years (on and off) with someone who turns out to be a compulsive liar that cheats with 17 year old high school chicks on spring break. Yep. It's been rough. Since then I have pretty much resorted to making out with a lot of randoms, and going on the occasional date with whatever douchebag actually asks me out.

Living in a city like Dallas has proven to have both positive and negative aspects when it comes to the whole dating scene. Coming from San Antonio where the majority of it's population was either tourists or Mexicans that spoke little to no english, it is definitely refreshing to be in a city where I am actually surrounded by a large population of the opposite sex that is both attractive and in the same age group. Now if we could only work on the whole Douchebag factor, I'd probably be golden. Going out in Dallas, I find myself constantly amazed by the types of men around me, especially in the uptown area. From Affliction Ts to Ed Hardy. Spiky hair. Earrings (sometimes)... these men CLEARLY spend more time in front of the mirror than I do. Not to mention the amount of time everyone spends working out. Girls are equally bad, especially if you get to the more clubby bars (Aura, Suite, Joyce, etc.) These girls look like actual Barbie Dolls in the fake way. Aka, fake tits, bleach blond hair, orange-ish tans. Not gonna lie, the "competition" can be a little overwhelming. But when you're competing for the typical "dallas" dudes, I guess it really doesn't even matter that much. I mean, I've been on dates here with guys who ONLY talk about their money, who may or may not be gay, to guys whose only conversation involves how much they can drink or what they did one time when they were "soooooooo hammered".

To combat this constant struggle, however, I have found a temporary solution. Warning though: this is probably not the most effective method of finding a lasting and fulfilling relationship. But i guarantee it will provide you with a great time and a fun, awesome story to tell and look back on with fond memories. If you get really wasted and hang out with guys that are younger (not TOO much younger, but like around the 21 age group), they will buy you drinks and you can just make out with them and dance all night. Having done this not once but TWICE in the past 7 days, I have also found that they are much more complimentary and probably think more highly of you because you are older, wiser and therefore cooler than most of the girls their age. Disclaimer: you may not get actual DATES by utilizing this method, but you are guaranteed a fun time and free drinks and shots all night. Think about it.

Lesson learned: Until I find an awesome, older, smarter and more successful man that I can actually have intelligent conversation with, it is probably in my best interest to just hang out with awesome younger guys because they are more fun and take things less seriously.