Lesson #6: Alcohol: Friend or Frenemy?

I believe it was Homer Simpson that said: "alcohol is the cause and solution of all problems". I think those were the wisest words that dude ever said. I mean, think about it: alcohol is a "social lubricant', right? It helps people like yours truly (that's me) be more comfortable/confident around people they are normally awkward around. In my case, this demographic includes all strangers and hot guys. I'm pretty sure Social Awkwardness is a problem for about 68% of the population. Don't quote me on that... but it's something around there. Think about how many times you, even if you're one of those rare, never awkward people, have encountered someone like this. So many awkward silences, weird glances, misplaced jokes... the list goes on.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that dates are the prime example of when alcohol is a cure. So, you meet someone, you hit it off. He asks for your number and eventually calls and asks you out on a date. Everyone knows that dates are essentially interviews. Do you click with this person? Do you share similar dreams/backgrounds/senses of humor? Are you still attracted to him in the sobriety of daylight/early evening? Not only do you need to look your BEST in case this guy is The One, but you also need to make sure you are witty/smart/sexy/cool/breezy and don't seem desperate for a relationship. (thank you Cosmo) I mean, it's pretty overwhelming, especially if you think you really like him! Then... good God. For situations like this, I find that making a nice pre-date cocktail is JUST the cure for my first date jitters. Alcohol = 1

I also want to take a moment to reflect on dancing. Some of us, myself included, LOVE to dance but are simply god-awful at it. I mean, I exclusively dance when I'm drunk. And honestly.. I have a blast. Last weekend for example, I danced to my heart's content til the wee hours of the morning and didn't think a thing of it. I had a ball. Guess why? Could it be because I was wasted and therefore didn't care what anyone thought of me? I believe it was. You know how they say "dance like no one's watching" in some gay quote about how to live your life? Well, when I'm drinking I may or may not take that phrase too literally. In fact, most of my dancing involves jumping up and down in circles while singing the words to the song at the top of my lungs. SO hot. I wish I was kidding but I assure you, I'm not. But still, in this case as well, I think alcohol is good, as long as you don't fall and hurt yourself or jump onto someone's foot. *awkward*. It allows you to have a ball without feeling self conscious. So there ya go, Alcohol = 2.

What happens, though, when your "friend" alcohol turns on you? I think we've all been there. A few too many Mexican martinis and you're making out with some guy named Tommy on the dance floor wondering where your friends went and what bar you're at. Or maybe that "pre-date cocktail" put you at just ONE drink too many and you end up busting your chin wide open while you're piggyback riding your date home from the bar. (hypothetically) I think it's safe to say that there is a fine line where alcohol can either make your night or totally break your night. Where exactly is that line, you ask? Good question. I am not the person to ask, though. I just like to blog about it because of the life experiences I've had up to date. If anyone has any advice please for the love of GOD tell me. Because I clearly have trouble knowing my limit. Alcohol = -1

In other examples where alcohol can be your enemy, let me point you all to one of my recent FREQUENT acquaintances: the hangover. For the love of God; when did these start happening?? In college I was definitely able to drink a pitcher of everclear margaritas on a Thursday night and pop out of bed at 8:30 for Spanish class, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Arrriba! (haha so gay but I had to) Then it was like BAM! one (ok two) glass of red wine one night and I'm hungover til 4pm. I simply don't understand how my body's reaction to alcohol has changed this much in only 4 years. Weekends are the worst. I think it's safe to say that on any given Saturday or Sunday you can find me plopped on my or someone else's couch for the entirety of the day, watching Lifetime or ABC Family series marathons like Gilmore Girls or Degrassi: the Next Generation (thank you Boots). There goes my productivity. Remember when I was gonna work out, wash my car, do laundry and get groceries? Ha. So much for all that. I'd much rather sit here until about 8, shower and do it all over again. Just enough to rule out anything I had planned for Sunday as well. (Alcohol = -2)

Lesson Learned: I think there's a lesson to be learned in all of this, but clearly I have not learned it yet. Obviously I need to figure out my limit but if someone can tell me how, I'd appreciate it. To date, I don't think I've turned down a single free shot. I may be slurring, stumbling and have a twitch in my left eye, but by God.. if someone's offering, I'm taking. I guess the past 6 years of binge drinking haven't taught me a darn thing.