This weekend reminded me how having true girlfriends is completely underrated.
After college, I haven't had a big group of girls to hang out with. I enrolled in grad school, where I see the same 24 people every day: 7 girls and 17 guys. Out of the girls, there is ONE that I consider to be almost equal with my girlfriends from college. The others are fine but a little boring, and we don't hang out much outside of class. So, obviously, I mostly hang out with the guys. And they are fantastic. Nice, funny, attractice, the works...but of course I'm not interested in dating them. Why not, you ask? Because I've spent almost every day of the last year and a half with them. And this is what those days entail:
1. Constantly being subjected to foul, should-have-to-wear-a-Haz-Mat-suit smells such as burps, farts, or the lingering wafting odor after they spend some quality time on their porcelain throne. In the beginning the stench was occasionally followed by an embarrassed look and a half-apology; now they legitimately ask me to rank them based on who has the worst gag-inducing bodily emissions.
2. Sports. I've never fully grasped the extent of guys' sports trivia knowledge until being surrounded by this group. Doesn't matter which sport, level, team, or season...it is all fair game for conversation at all times, and I'm often left with a very confused look on my face trying to figure out how the topic went from tortillas to Tebow in less than two seconds. For example, on Tuesday morning the only recognizable phrases I could catch were "Seminoles were probably throwing up on themselves" and "Hurricanes." If I had done a Google search I could have figured out that they were not talking about an ill-fated Pat O's excursion. Instead they were discussing Monday night's Florida State vs. Miami game, in which Miami scored a touchdown with only 1:53 left, and FSU almost had a rebuttal touchdown but it fell short of the receiver as time expired. Now you're probably asking yourself, WHO CARES?! And I agree with you. NONE of the people in my class attended either university involved; they are not even in the surrounding states. And It's not a Bowl game...so I don't see why the blank stare was necessary when I asked which game they were talking about. Come on.
3. Fantasy Football. As if regular football wasn't enough to follow. I am the only girl in our FF league, and I actually did pretty well last season (3rd of 12, thank you very much). I had a friend help me with my draft last year though, and this year I decided to do it all on my own. I took Drew Brees in the first round (10th pick) and was immediately assaulted with clever comments like "gay pick," "you're dumb," and just general laughter since I chose the #1 QB in the NFL instead of a RB like everyone else. So for the next few months I will probably spend more time on espn.com than is healthy and normal, but it will be worth it when I win, take all of their money, and watch them sob with shame after losing to a girl. It will be magical.
4. Being their default wingman. I love these boys and want to see them succeed in life, I really do. But there is nothing more entertaining than watching them try to pick up girls. Honestly, their complete lack of game is astounding. So if they are talking to a girl for more than 5 minutes, they panic because they've run out of things to say and quickly introduce her to me so I can do follow-up work and elaborate about how wonderful/hot/single they are. However, even if I come back to the guys and tell them it's a no-go because the girl has the intellectual capacity of a toothpick, they're going for it anyway.
5. Last but not least are the crude jokes and pubescent maturity levels. Now we all know that our group is NOT shy about spilling the dirty details of our sex lives, but usually we talk about it when we're alone or my favorite, by mass email. :) The guys, on the other hand, have no shame about discussing pubic hair preferences, the cougar that attacked them on a cruise, who masturbated last night, or making blow job motions at each other...while in the middle of class. Classy.
Anyway, spending a weekend with my girlfriends made me realize that while I love my guy friends and secretly don't mind the excuse to sit on the couch and watch football all day, nothing will ever beat the girls who know you better than you know yourself. If a girl farts, who cares, the smell goes away pretty quick. If we talk about sports, it's usually about deciding if we'd rather sleep with Tom Brady or Matt Leinart. Playing wingman is SO much more fun, and if you tell your girlfriend to find a new target because the one she's after has "douchebag" written in a neon flashing sign on his forehead, she will. (And your friends return the favor and play wingman for you, too! :) ) And of course, dishing on the down and dirty details about everyone's latest sexual adventure is the highlight of the day.
These are the girls you don't have to be fake or "play nice" with, that call you on your bullshit, that somehow just know what's going on in your life even if you don't tell them every detail. They are the ones who are genuine excited to see you, who laugh at every Friends reference, who share their closets and help you pick which earrings to wear, and the ones that will understand and sympathize when they get a text from you reading: "I'm drunk at Hooters and my ride home is hitting on the waitress."
Lesson Learned: Appreciate the time with your girlfriends, beacuse it's a lot less fun when you're surrounded by farting, masturbating, football-obsessed guys who make you watch college basketball and give you hell for wanting to watch Friends reruns instead.
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