Why God created Ex-Sex

I got laid this weekend. Normally this would make me and my friends very excited and result in hours of details and reminiscing about past conquests. Not this time. The Bitches (these are my friends. I mean this in the "Come on bitches, let's go get fucked up!" sort of way. They are not bitchy anymore than is necessary for me to like them) instead turned into a group of Judgey-McJudgersons. Why would they do this, you ask? It's because I had sex with my ex.

It happens to everyone. No matter how bad the breakup, how dysfunctional the man, how many times friends tell us it's a bad idea, EVERYONE has at some point thrown all of their rational thought out the window just so they can have the thrill of getting laid. **NOTE: If you have not slept with an ex, then either you're in a long-term serious relationship, a virgin, you're soo crazy that your ex would rather jack off than have an easy lay, or you make responsible life decisions. You shouldn't be reading this blog. Go find a bible to thump or something to cross-stitch while you take your lame quizzes about Twilight on Facebook.**

Now, there are a number of reasons why a normally self-respecting woman such as myself would turn into a masochistic quasi-slut. Here are just a few:

(1) You're horny
(2) You can't be bothered to find someone new
(3) There's some residual pent-up anger that you'd like to release on his penis
(4) You're drunk
(5) You're horny
(6) You're hoping to make someone else jealous
(7) You are an idiot
(8) You temporarily forgot that the sex wasn't good when you were together.


This weekend, I would have to say that I fell under categories 1, 2, 4 & 7, but I've definitely covered all the bases on this one. So...why do we do it? Why do we go down a road that we know is paved with regret, judgment, mild soreness and likely a hangover. It's not for the incredible sex. No guy is THAT good in bed. Trust me, I've done the research. So it's got to be something else. A higher power that creeps into a woman's brain and convinces her that having mediocre sex with an ex is a good idea. Who is that higher power? I think it's God. And I think he did it because he can. He's a man and they do that kind of shit. There can be no other explanation for why I had this text exchange last weekend and then decided that having sex with my ex-bf would be a good idea:

The Ex: "So you're gonna be in town on Friday? What time are you coming? What time are you cumming?"
Me: "Yes. 3pm. 3:30pm. Be there or be square."

THAT, my friends, has got to be Divine Intervention --it certainly wasn't my ex's clever play on words. And so my only defense is that God made me do it. The Big Guy made me fornicate 4 times on Friday night for his own amusement. I mean, if I had the option of giving everyone free will and then watching them as they made horrible, drunken life decisions that they are then mocked for continuously, I would TOTALLY take that option. It's way better than making responsible, functioning adults and watching them as they sit at home watching Seinfeld reruns.

If I was a good student, I would now provide you with some biblical evidence of God doing mean things to humans for his own amusement to support my argument. Unfortunately, I left my illustrated version of the Bible at my parent's house next to the My Little Pony collection and I'm not about to go Google "God+ irresponsible sexual habits + mean sense of humor". Just trust me, I'm Catholic. God is looking down on me right now and laughing. He's probably thinking something along the lines of, "Haha! She thought that this time she wouldn't wake up with that sense of satisfying regret and that he wouldn't be a complete asshole in the morning. Psyche!"

Now, I wish I could say that God has only played his little trick on me once. Or that I learned from my mistakes and I was able to outwit my Maker and ended up having my ex just go down on me all night before I left him with blue balls. But no, fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, it's because there's a higher power at work that's manipulating my mind. I'm powerless. I've slept with every single one of my exes at least once, usually closer to six times. And so has everybody else. They just lie about it to make themselves feel better. But the cat's out of the bag people! So I think that we need to join together, embrace our bad decisions, and stop regretting having sex with our exes. Relish in the fact that you just got laid and don't have to worry about how long it's gonna last, what the sex "means", or whether his penis has a weird curve to it. You don't have any of those questions because you already know the answers!! It's gonna be 5 minutes of foreplay followed by 10 minutes of sex that doesn't "mean" anything to him, and it's curved like Gonzo's nose. So go for it sister! You get yours! (This is all assuming that you're not still in love with your ex, or that you want to get back together with him. If that's the case, then run. Run as fast as you can to a sex store and buy yourself a vibrator with an extra set of batteries because otherwise you will lose your dignity and drive your friends crazy when you obsess over it for the next 2 months.)

Life Lesson: Having sex with an ex is a bad idea. It will lead to a combination of embarassment, shame, satisfaction, regret, and judgment from friends. But you WILL have sex with your ex because God is manipulating your mind for his own amusement. So just embrace the opportunity you've been given and get laid. And remember that God also invented Trojans that are ribbed for your pleasure :)