Lesson #7: Always Have an Exit Strategy

One of the things my friends have enjoyed making fun of me for over the years is my ability to conjure up the most awkward post-hookup exit strategies possible. A few I have tried include:

• The 6 am Bolt. This was my personal favorite in the early college years, when I'd wake up crammed in a twin bed between the wall and the guy who is now snoring like a freight train half an inch from my ear. I had two options: suck it up and try to go back to sleep, or I could sneak out, go back to my dorm and actually get a few hours of decent Z's in my own bed. I chose Option B every time. This option had the distinct advantage of avoiding the public walk of shame; however, it also created the issue of how to act the next time I saw the snoring culprit. Does the escape-without-notice require some sort of acknowledgment or apology? Or can I treat him like I normally would? I never know.
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  The Covert Clothes Collection. During one of my more recent escapades, I apparently decided the right way to handle things post-coitus was to get fully dressed and be standing by the door, shoes in hand, by the time the poor guy got out of the bathroom. This certainly took him by surprise. I started to clue in that maybe this wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had when he was talking faster than I’ve ever heard a guy speak, trying to cram in all of the “are you sure you don’t want to stay/text me when you get home/what are your plans this weekend” niceties before I was out the door.
  
  
  
• The Post-It Note Notification. Okay, I admit I haven’t tried this one yet, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. But on a preview for Jenna Elfman’s new show, “Accidentally on Purpose,” it showed her leaving a post-it note on a sleeping guy’s forehead before sneaking out. I’d rate this one about equal to my 6 am Bolt; sure, she politely left a message of her whereabouts, but she also lost points by immediately running into the guy’s 3 roommates when she left his room. Whoops.

It’s equally difficult when the situation is reversed and the guy is crashing at my place. One time I was so irritated by the drooling male hogging the covers that I went down the hall and crawled in bed with my roommate. When she woke up, I told her “There’s a boy in my bed. Can you make him leave?” To which she replied “No, you brought him here, now you have to deal with getting rid of him.” Damn.

I can’t help thinking that life would be so much easier if each uncomfortable circumstance came with one of those airline safety cards, pointing to the overhead signs and floor lights that illuminate the way to your options of forward exit doors, overwing exit rows, or rear exit doors. It’d also be convenient to have a strategic clue or two about when to utilize the aforementioned exits. Like in the situation with the unwanted guest in my bed, wouldn’t it be cool if I could have pressed a button that lit up the exit lights, thus signaling to him that it was time for him to go home? And if the guy was someone I genuinely liked, rather than someone my beer goggles erroneously estimated to be a good kisser, then I could just leave the exit lights off, indicating that he could hang out for a while. Seriously, I could have avoided like 80% of the awkward moments in my life if this was an actual invention.

 

I obviously have yet to find the proper protocol for the morning-after encounter. Maybe I just haven’t grown up enough to advance to the maturity level of someone that can show no fear in the face of an awkward situation. But until then, feel free to share any limited-risk exit strategies you know; I might need to shake things up.

 Lesson Learned: Nothing yet. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed.