Things That Irk Me: Part 3

Let's take a moment to talk again about my favorite topic... Facebook. No, Facebook is not the thing that irks me. (See Life Lesson #1: Social Networking)But it does have to do with Facebook. As I mentioned earlier, I believe the Newsfeed was a pivotal point in Facebook's existence (Well played, Zuckeberg, well played..). Benefits of the Newsfeed include but are not limited to 1) the ability to see what events people are attending/attended, 2) seeing new photo albums as soon as people post them 3) seeing what people are writing on each other's walls and 4) reading and updating statuses.

This post aims to talk about the 4th thing I just mentioned: statuses. Sure, every now and then it's nice to see that so-and-so had an awesome weekend in Chicago! Or Johnny Applesee (from Anytown USA haha) is pumped about heading to the beach! But it is a far different thing to know every detail about someone via this public forum. To further explain my annoyance with this, it is necessary to break it down into categories. They are as follows:

1) The Overly Detailed status: You know what I'm talking about.. these are the statuses that state every detail of a person's life, from what they have for dinner, to what the doctor said about that suspicious rash on their left thigh. I mean.. you would not BELIEVE some of the statuses that come up on my newsfeed. Literally, one guy I know broke his leg or something and would give, I SHIT YOU NOT, hourly updates about the wound, or what the doc said, to the bandaging, etc. For example: "John Doe... just got 17 stitches in the shin... now it's oozing" (i may have exaggerated slightly but it's to illustrate a point, you get the idea).

"_____ just had chicken parm with a side of asparagus for dinner... hope my pee doesn't smell funny tomorrow!" - - - WHOA. You just gave the entire Facebook world an image they DON'T want while simultaneously providing everyone with too much information. No one cares what you ate for dinner and no one wants to imagine the smell of your pee.

2) The Too-Frequent Update - People that feel the need to update their statuses every 25 minutes, especially DURING something, also irk me. For example,

"___ is having the time of her life playing flip cup with her besties in Tuscaloosa".

Hey, ____! How about freaking ENJOY the game while you play it and drink your damn beer? Quit stopping in the middle to "update your status". It's annoying to the people around you, as well as your facebook friends who have to read about it.

Or, "____ is sitting on the porch, sipping margs with some buddies". That is not interesting, please quit cluttering up my precious newsfeed space by telling me what you're currently drinking on the porch. I'd like to see a variety of names on my newsfeed screen, not yours over and over, and over. Thanks. If you REALLY need everyone to know what you did all day, at least wait until the end of the day and then select the most interesting highlights, and post that. Am I right, or am I right?

3) The Self-Promoting Update: You all know what I'm talking about with this one. "So-and-so just graduated from UCLA Magna Cum Laude and is super excited!!". I mean, yes. This is an AWESOME accomplishment, I agree. It's more than I'll ever be able to say ever. But like.. have you ever heard the term bragging? There is a fine line between wanting to share happy information with people, and announcing that information to the entire facebook community. It makes you sound full of yourself not to mention, like you are fishing for "likes" and comments. You have to at least be clever about the way you present statuses like these. OR.. if it's that crucial.. sneak onto a friends account and write something on your own wall, like, "Hey Lisa! Congrats on graduating with honors! You are SO smart!!" No one will be the wiser.

4) The "I'm So In Love and I Want Everyone To Know It" Update: Ok.. now here is the main annoyance of mine when it comes to the Facebook newsfeed. I like to save the best for last. Call me bitter because I'm single, whatever. Just don't act like this doesn't annoy you too. When people post statuses about how in loooooooooooove they are and how AWESOME their boyfriend/girlfriend are every 24 seconds it just kills me.. Yes. I am happy you are in love. Maybe an update once a month would be ok.. but I swear to you, i have friends that update like 4 to 5 times a DAY. A day. about how amaaaaaaaaazing their significant other is.

"Benjamin has the best girlfriend in the world and is so in love with her!!"

"Lizzie just got the best surprise ever from her amazing boyfriend! Champagne and rose petals... I love you Joe!"

Combine these statuses with a self-taken portrait of the two of them kissing on a pier, it is almost enough to make me defriend them. You know I at least hide that shit. Anyway, enough of me bitching about this. Let's just say that along with the creation of the newsfeed, I am SO thankful for the creation of the "hide" feature.